A Kind Gesture That Sabotages Relationships

Control is a topic that has been at the forefront of my mind recently.
Resurfacing after I stumbled upon The Knowledge Project Podcast #196.

Shane Parrish's Farnham Street newsletter (h/t to Warren Buffett) is something I've been following for a minute, but I've never listened to his podcast until now. I'm grateful I did, because this episode, featuring Brent Beshore, the Founder of the Midwestern-based private equity firm Permanent Equity, struck a deep chord with me.

Control is something I've always craved, yet never perceived as a negative... until recently. I used to view it as taking radical ownership of everything in my life and being the one 'everyone could count on' because I have all the answers.

It took the shape of always having to organize, schedule, drive, etc. Not because I always enjoyed doing those things, but because it permitted me to choose the environment in which things took place (I'm not particular at all...).

As I got older, it started to take shape as always picking up the bill (for everything) no matter who I was with or where we were – so much so, that in recent years I've had a very challenging time asking for or openly receiving anything. It was and is an action rooted in a desire to care for others... but unfortunately it created unbalanced relationships.

I began to notice, just as Brent pointed out in the podcast, the relationships in which I did the most for the other person were the ones that became the most transactional, ultimately leading to resentment. One would think acts of service, gifts, and picking up the tab would generate rapport, but what it actually does (if mandated) is remove the other parties volition... as if they're incapable of caring for themselves.

Brent said it very eloquently... "All hero's create victims."

I've come to realize this behavior removes agency.
It signifies you subconsciously believe they can't help themselves (generating a high emotional state), all the while diminishing their perceived value within the confines of said relationship... removing the opportunity for connection.

When I first heard this it made me think of speaking to High vs. Low Emotional States, a subset of persuasive copywriting. It's this process that generates emotions within an individual, emotions based on the outcome the marketer is looking to obtain.

There are three primary 'marketed to' emotional states: Helpless, Hopeless & Worthless

They sound terrible, yes, but one of these states is necessary for action to occur.

Helpless = Want's someone to believe in.
Hopeless = Want's information to solve a problem.
Worthless = Wan't to feel important and significant.

The way this would look from a marketing perspective is – The aim of each campaign is to cultivate a state within the prospect that gets them to engage in the solution the company is offering.

Here's an example:

Helpless = Tony Robbins Esque, Any Guru
Hopeless = Online Education Course
Worthless = Luxury Items, Status Symbols.

Now translate this to interpersonal relationships... in which your 'marketing' yourself (as the company) and engaging others (as the client). In much the same way as a campaign, your actions dictate the emotions created within others.

The example given in the podcast was always picking up the check. This appeared to me to be a seemingly insignificant act of service, one that is commendable, but actually led to diminished relationships.

Brent came up with the following statement in an effort to remove the negative emotional state invoked by hunting down the bill and removing agency from others.

"I would enjoy being able to buy dinner tonight, but if you don’t want me to pick up the bill, I will respect your choice."

– Brent Beshore

With the discovery of this behavior and it's true roots I've started to reflect on other areas in my life subconscious biases for control show themself... so, to be continued!

I'd love to hear if you've had a similar experience or thought on the topic.
Please email me if so!

2024 Greece Retreat:

We have one (1) spot remaining for our 2024 retreat to Kefalonia, Greece.
An 8-day, 7-night all-inclusive wellbeing experience to one of the healthiest places on the planet.

To learn more or reserve a spot, tap here.

Inputs Only Podcast:

Nick Engerer is a Dr. of Philosophy, biohacker and longevity mindset strategist

In this episode, expect to learn what makes you age, how to determine how ‘old’ you really are, the four pillars you must optimize to improve your lifespan and more. Including my favorite, the two inputs that lead to premature aging.

The Shocking Truth Why You're Aging Prematurely - Nick Engerer | E16

Tap here to watch on: YouTube | Spotify | Apple

Quote On My Mind:

"The person with the real expertise is not the one who made it popular."

- Shane Parrish

This one got me, truly. Don't get it confused.
Those with true expertise are too busy doing the damn thing.

Share This On X/Twitter

In Case You Missed It:

In last weeks edition, I wrote about — three things I'm doing to be more present.

Technology is a tool that, if used correctly, dramatically enhances our lives.
Problem is, when not used correctly, a rampant addiction to our devices presents itself.